In this season of giving, we can also get bogged down in expensive gift requests and bending over backwards to give our kids a happy holiday. If you have a child who struggles in school, this added holiday stress can really take its toll on you, your kids and your relationship. Instead of focusing on the latest toy, video game or limited edition shoe, we’re sharing a gift idea that costs you nothing, but will keep on giving for a lifetime.

A Little Background Information First

Children who struggle in school – whether it’s because they are reading below grade level, find math incomprehensible, can’t sit still and maintain attention, take a long time to understand concepts and formulate responses, or a variety of other reasons – are vulnerable. They constantly receive a negative message because they are faced with their shortcomings and deficits on a daily basis. So often, their environment, whether it be in school (in-class work, tests) or at home (homework), focuses on WHAT THEY CANNOT DO WELL. They may retreat and withdraw in school or get into monumental arguments with you at home. “Doing well” gets rewarded. How can we help our children feel better about themselves in order to “do well”?

Change the Perspective

The gift we can give our kids is to really KNOW them and focus on what they enjoy and feel they do well. It seems so simple, doesn’t it? You may be thinking, I already do this…don’t I? Take a moment and really think about it. How much time is spent on these strengths, as opposed to the weaknesses? Chances are, the time spent addressing the deficits far outweighs the time spent doing things that come easily or with more pleasure. It’s only natural to expect more practice at things that are a challenge. But it’s really important to give your children enough time to practice things they love, too.

When they are young, give them lots of opportunities to explore different types of activities. Are they drawn to music? Do they like to be outside for hours on end? Do they prefer to curl up with a good book or attack a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle? Do they doodle and draw constantly? Are they the best Lego builder you’ve ever met?

The first step is to discover the answer to these kinds of questions. If none of the activities you’ve introduced seem to “stick,” keep digging deeper. Don’t give up. Do some online or local research to find possibilities you didn’t know about. But, BE CAREFUL – dig DEEPER, not spread yourselves thinner. Children today are easily over-programmed, so instead of signing them up for 3 or 4 or 10 different things at once, focus on just one or two at a time to give your children a chance to experience the activity fully enough to know whether they enjoy it or not. If you have more than one child and you sign them up for the same activity, remember that they may respond to that activity differently. What floats one’s boat may not be appealing to the other. Recognize this and give the child who doesn’t like that activity an “out” – after giving the activity enough time and effort, give them permission to say, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”  When something does resonate with your children, you will know it. They will complain less and practice more. They may actually show excitement when you say it’s time to do that activity, and chat about it with you.

Pacing is Everything

Once you have an idea of the types of activities your children enjoy, think about other related things you can do to expand your children’s experience. If your child is an artist, look into local art classes, summer programs or museum trips beyond the school curriculum. BE CAREFUL: it’s easy to get excited when your child finds something he or she is passionate about and go overboard. This can backfire. You don’t want to intimidate your children and put pressure on them in an area that is supposed to relax them and make them happy. Instead, have conversations about the activities they seem to enjoy. Ask specific questions about what they like about it in particular. Do a little research on what else is out there that is related and then ask your children to weigh in: “Hey, you just learned Impressionist painting techniques in your art class and there is a Monet exhibit coming to town next month – would you like to go?” Pay attention to their response. If they resist, you know they’re not ready or you are pushing too hard.

Beware of the Pressure Cooker

If your child is into sports, there can be a lot of extra pressure at an earlier and earlier age. There seems to be a “travel team” for almost every sport available now. More and more parents are expected to sign their children up for this type of commitment before they are barely into their “double digits” and the schedule and cost can be grueling. For many, you can see the passion die in their eyes very quickly. Suddenly, this outlet for creativity, energy and joy can become a burden and feel a whole lot like the things they don’t do well and don’t enjoy.

On the other hand, if you find your children thrive with this type of structure and schedule for that particular activity, prepare yourself to give as much time and resources to it as you can. This can vary widely from family to family and it’s important to be able to prioritize realistically, emotionally as well as financially. REMEMBER: DON’T LOSE YOURSELF COMPLETELY IN YOUR CHILDREN’S ACTIVITIES. You can be totally supportive of your kids without forgetting yourself. Don’t just live vicariously through them (and PLEASE, don’t try to relive some long-lost dream of your own by pushing your kids to do an activity you did as a kid, especially if they show no interest in it). Make sure you also do your own activities that make you happy!

Crank Up the Kindness

Even if your child is never going to be the next Mozart, if she enjoys banging the drum, playing an impromptu harmonica riff or whistling the latest Taylor Swift song while creating new dance moves, she deserves to hear your words of encouragement and support. You don’t have to lay it on thick (kids have an uncanny ability to sniff out insincerity and platitudes) – be honest, but always be positive: “Wow, you are so good at that. I could never a carry a tune when I was your age.” “I used to like singing to MTV videos with my hairbrush for a microphone…I know you don’t know what MTV is, but that’s okay – I’m just saying we share something in common.” “I always knew you would love playing the piano! Those long, fast-moving fingers of yours were always manipulating your toys at lightning speed and you used to bop to the music as a baby when I put the radio on.” When you recognize your children’s strengths and articulate them to your children, their confidence skyrockets. And what happens when you give them confidence? They become more confident in areas where they struggle. They have new-found energy and drive to tackle things that come less easily when they have an outlet that is rewarding.

What You’ve Given So Far

By focusing on what your children like to do and creating opportunities for them to pursue these things, let’s recap what you will have given your kids so far without necessarily spending a dime:

•      PROVIDE POSITIVE ATTENTION – instead of hearing what else they have to do, what they need to improve or what they do wrong, they get to hear what you’ve learned is great about them!
•      REFILL THE TANK – giving your kids opportunities to do the things they like and are drawn to recharges their energy for the things that are more challenging; and, while their tanks refill, so does yours! There is nothing like watching your child excel at something, even if it is as simple as creating a paper snowflake for the winter window or as complex as creating their own dishwashing robot.
•      REINFORCE THE STRENGTHS – There will always be some room for improvement in everything we do, but by reminding your children what they are good at, you are telling them you recognize them and celebrate them for their whole selves, not just defining them by their deficits. It’s too easy in a results-driven society to focus on the negative and forget to highlight the positive. Make sure you are the safe haven of hope and support.
•      GROW A PASSION – When you are open to discovering your children’s talents, you all win. Children who have trouble staying focused can become remarkably attentive with activities they love. A disorganized child in the classroom who can’t follow even simple directions from the teacher, can create a step-by-step, color-coded manual for the Lego starship he built from his imagination. Just because one type of sequencing is a challenge doesn’t mean all types of sequencing and organization are. By fostering the skill sets your children gravitate towards, you are supporting their growth and development, helping them discover how they want to spend their lives after they get through school, and how to cope better while in school.

Throughout the process of giving your children the gift of recognizing and supporting their strengths and interests, you get the benefit of seeing your kids through a different lens – be impressed and proud! As you learn about them and the things they enjoy doing, you take the journey together. This is a much more joyful, interesting, rewarding journey when the pressure is kept out of it and the praise is measured in heaping spoonfuls. Sure, they still may struggle with aspects of school, household chores or friendships, but you’ll be helping them keep that in better perspective and work on those things as they also recognize and celebrate where they excel.

So, this holiday season, try giving this new un-wrappable, intangible, priceless gift to your children and reap the rewards of a more relaxed, happier household with more confident kids…and, rest assured, they are not the sum of their math problems, after all!